


The Heisenberg Principle

by igrab



Series: Relativity [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Episode: s01e17 Letters From Pegasus, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-21 07:37:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1542809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igrab/pseuds/igrab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Wow, things Jeannie doesn't need to hear. Ford, cut that, will you?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Heisenberg Principle

_Beep_.

•REC

"Jeannie? It's your big sister, Ronnie. Well, obviously.

"...Look, staring certain death in the face is making me weird - well, weirder than usual, I guess - so just, let me say this. Let me."

Å

_Beep_.

•REC

"...You'll probably never find this tape. Actually, the person who's listening to this is probably going 'what the fuck? who is this ponytailed chick? what's she talking about?' Or maybe they're not, who knows. But, uh, whoever's listening - I need you to stop, to open the stargate to these coordinates, and toss it on through. And if you _are_ Chaya, well. Hi. I'm probably dead."

Å

•REC

"I know I was never the kind of big sister you needed. I didn't, I don't know, teach you how to wing your eyeliner or what to say to make the cute boys fall in love with you. Though I guess, if I had, you probably wouldn't have turned out half as well as you did." There was the fractured sound of a little deprecating laugh.

"You did good, Jeannie. I mean it. You're... happy, and I guess that I - until this, what I'm doing here, with these people - they've sort of, I guess they, well, taught me a few things. Taught me what family's supposed to mean. And it made me think, that maybe I'd gotten a few things wrong. More than a few things."

Å

•REC

"I don't even know why I'm making this, I just - I've got no one, back on Earth. We're all making these dumb tapes to send back through the gate because the Wraith are coming, and by the time you get this it'll be too late - shit, that's not what I - look, I know you can't help, even though I wish you could. I wish you could just wave your magic wand and make it all better.

"You... what you said to me, out on the balcony. How you'd never felt so close to someone. And I sort of, I don't know, I didn't say this then because I _was_ kind of starstruck but it wasn't like that, it was. You felt like coming home. You felt like... family. And I think, I just. I don't know if I've ever felt like that before."

Å

•REC

"If I make it out alive - and that's a huge if, seriously, I wouldn't even bother holding out hope because I've tried my best to think of a scenario that doesn't end in me dying a horrible death but I have to, you know. There's always a possibility. Because of quantum tunnelling, and the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, but you know all that and anyway, the point is.

"If I make it out alive. I think that, maybe, I'd like to - if you'll let me - I'd like to start over again. I'd like a second chance. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve anything from you, but I really do think I've - "

Å

•REC

"So, consider this my 'letter home'. Because at the end of the day, there's no one on Earth I could say this to - you're my sister, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You're the one that makes me want to say, I wish we had more time together. And, I'm sorry about Ronnie, seriously, she's an asshole and she thought we were. She thought I was.

"... It's not that. Don't get me wrong, you're gorgeous, but that actually kind of terrified me. I know you could tell. You were just so, perfect? But there was a... kinship, there. Maybe my ATA gene? Fuck it, I have no idea. I suck at this. Just, don't hold it against Ronnie, okay. She apparently gets stupid when she's jealous."

Å

•REC

"I met someone, Jeannie. And not just someone, she's... yeah. She. Wait, crap, does Don't Ask Don't Tell apply here? Fuck it, I don't care. It's a stupid law. And I'm not even American, so.

"I'd tell you her name but it's sort of, I can't. I'm sorry, Jeannie, if I could I'd tell you everything, but in the tiniest, most minuscule, fractional, Heisenberg kind of chance that we both survive - well, like I said. America. Stupid shit. And this job, what she does, it means everything to her.

"No, really. She could have been an incredible mathematician, she's... kind of amazing, actually, and you know what's crazy? She isn't even blond. I know, right?" There was that laugh again. "Never in a million years.

"Oh yeah, by the way, Sam? It never would've worked out between us anyway. I'm so sorry, you must be crushed. I'll make it up to you. Only, not with dinner, or anything I've ever tried to promise you, because I'm sort of. Well."

Å

•REC

"I mean, she doesn't even have _any_ reason to worry, because seriously, has she not seen herself? Holy shit, that mouth. That _rack_. Okay, wow, that was kind of a dick thing to say, huh? But I really like her rack, and Ronnie's never complained about me liking her rack, so.

"But seriously, she's the most brilliant creature in the universe, and that's not even a hyperbole. You're powerful, Chaya, but you don't hold a candle to Ronnie McKay when she's thinking. Nothing does."

Å

•REC

"She's actually saved my life more times than I can count. Even when I thought she hated me, she just. She wouldn't leave anyone behind, you know? She's just like that. And I mean, obviously I'm kind of essential personnel around here but she'd always been the first to scoff at that kind of thing. So on one hand she should've treated me like the holy grail of scientific brainpower and on the other, I'm an asshole, I mean, really, I'm an _asshole_ , and she should've just left me to die. But she trusts me to take care of myself, and then she saves me. It's like, I don't know. Like I'm important, but not in the way I've always thought of myself as important.

"I think - no, I know - that you and her would get along fine. That is, Jeannie, not you, Sam, though actually I'm now terrified of you meeting her because probably you would run away together and it's a good thing I'm not a guy because I would actually die of oxygen deprivation to my brain, that is how hard I'd be. Jesus. Wow, things Jeannie doesn't need to hear. Ford, cut that, will you?"

Å

•REC

"She pisses me off, too, but I think - no, I know - that that's a good thing. Most people just, they don't matter to me. Harsh, but it's true. I mean, I like them well enough, I'd save their dumb asses if they were in trouble, but in the context of my life? I don't really get attached. Which is why this whole thing with you is, well, pretty easy to misconstrue, I guess.

"But Ronnie, God, she pisses me off so much. She makes me so angry. And it's so good. So goddamn good to feel this... well, to _feel_. She makes me feel. I don't ever want her to stop making me feel."

Å

•REC

"We don't exactly have a lot of time. I mean, us, here. We're going to die soon. Actually, it doesn't really feel real yet because I've kind of constantly been in situations of almost-certain-death since we arrived and my body doesn't really understand that these last couple of weeks, that's what we have, by the way, weeks - two if we're lucky - my body just thinks everything's fine. No adrenaline. No hyperventilating. Too far in the future, I guess. I don't know, bodies are weird, this is why I just stay away from anything with cells.

"Jeannie. It's okay. I'm not going down without a fight, I promise. And I wish I could say that it was about you and the kids - but I know, I've always known, that you'll be just fine without me. Better, maybe. I know that. But uh, for once I feel like - maybe there's something, you know, something worth staying alive for. Me, the person, not just my brain, which obviously is a treasure in two galaxies and should be protected at all cost. But like, me. Ronnie the person. 

"You know, I've never even thought of myself as a person before."

Å

•REC

"...So. I'd apologise for going on about Ron but she's sort of, she's important, to what I have to say next.

"The chances of us making it out alive are slim to none. My head knows that. The math knows that, Heisenberg notwithstanding. And, in the past I've been known to take on some pretty improbable odds in the name of survival, but I always had a plan. Always had something to fight for. This, saying goodbyes, kind of feels like the plan we're making is to brace ourselves and accept the inevitability of our imminent death.

"But uh. I can't. Brace myself, yes, but I just can't accept how astronomically small the chance of survival is. And it's not about you, we said our goodbyes already, we've come to terms with all that. But... for once, I feel like there's something more than honor and words and stubbornness at stake. I want... _I_ want, me, Johanna Sheppard, the person - I want to be part of the future. I want to be part of Ron's future. I want us to have a future to build together, because it can't end here, like this. It _can't_. There's just so much we have left to do."

Å

•REC

"... Anyway, Jeannie. If you're still listening, if you haven't completely given up on listening to your big gay sister talking about her manly crush like a total imbecile.

"I, uh, I love you. You know that, right? I mean, it has to be obvious, I made a tape for you and everything, and you're my sister, so you have to know. But uh, Jo's been - shit, _shit_ , Ford! Cut that!

"It's been brought to my attention that sometimes, the obvious bears repeating, because it makes people feel better, so. I love you. There. I said it. Now go on and live your life, knowing that your genius sister died pointlessly and horribly, but at least she didn't die alone."

Å

•REC

"I don't know if this is love. I don't exactly have a practical definition of what that means. But, Ronnie aside - I do care about you. There's still this huge part of me that wishes I could've had more time, even now, to just... be with you. Um, not like that but I mean - you know what I mean.

"The only thing that's ever understood me like you have has been Atlantis herself, and I don't think that's a coincidence. Maybe, after I die, some part of me will Ascend the way you guys did and I'll meet other Ancients, but it wouldn't be the same. You didn't fit in with them, and I don't think I would either. We spoke the same language. I don't know what to call this thing with Ronnie, don't really know how to define it except that I need her, I need more of her, I want...

"I _want_. To be hers. It feels like I'm making a choice. And that's important, too. Feeling connected to you, I'm sorry, but I didn't choose that. I love you, I think, but I didn't choose that.

"Chaya, if you're listening. It's because I've got no one else who will hear me. I know you're going to be fine, protecting your people, and I really do wish you all the best. I guess I just wanted you to know that your kind-of-sister is probably dead, but.

"She didn't die alone."


End file.
